Finding Out
by WhirledPeace
Summary: Just a short story of how the Akatsuki try to find out Deidara's gender. Yes, I know he's a guy. MAJOR oocness, and yaoi, but no lemons. . .


* * *

A/N: This isn't well written at all, and I have absolutely no sense of humor, so no promises this will be good! I don't own these characters!

* * *

"Ok, guys, I'm a bit confused on something," Hidan said. He, Kakuzu, Kisame, Itachi, and Tobi were all sitting around the kitchen table. "Is Deidara a man or a woman?" All the others looked at each other.

"You mean you don't know either?" asked Kisame. Hidan shook his head.

"I don't know," Kakuzu said when all of them turned to him.

"Itachi, surely you must know," Kisame said. The great Uchiha shook his head. At last, all eyes fixated on Tobi.

"Tobi, you're partners with Deidara. Surely you must know Deidara's gender. . ." Kakuzu said. Tobi shook his head.

"Sempai is pretty!"

"Great!" cried Hidan. "Now what am I going to do? If Deidara's a guy, I'd ask him out, if Deidara's a girl, I'd ask her to paint my nails,"

"We could always find out. . ." Kisame said slowly.

"Surely you don't mean. . ." Kakuzu trailed off. Kisame produced a deck of cards.

"Yup. Strip poker." Kisame grinned fishily. All else groaned.

* * *

"Poker, un?" Deidara asked.

"Yeah, don't you know how do play?" asked Kisame.

"Uh, no," Deidara replied.

"Oh, it's very simple. Come over here, we'll teach you," Kisame lead Deidara over to the table, where Kakuzu, Hidan, and Itachi were already seated. Kisame sat down and began to explain the rules. ". . .and I'll help you for the first round, so you get it, all right?"

"Ok. . ." Deidara said cautiously.

* * *

An hour later Kisame was shirtless, Kakuzu was in his boxers and mask, Hidan was completely naked and in debt to all of them, while Itachi sat in his boxers. Deidara, however, sat fully clothed. "A-are you sure this is your first time?" Kisame asked.

"Yeah, un. That's a royal flush, right?"

"Right," growled Kisame. "Ok, you know what? Forget it, you win," he sat back. All sighed in frustration and relief. Deidara grinned.

"Cool, un!" he hopped up from the table and left. All present promptly got dressed.

"So what now?" asked Hidan moodily.

"How about we invite Deidara to the pool?" suggested Kakuzu, slipping into his pants.

"Yeah! That'll be great!" cried Hidan.

"This is bound to work," Kisame said. "Why didn't we think of this before?"

"Because you wanted to play strip poker," Itachi pointed out. Kisame grinned.

"You can't say it was all for not," he said. Needless to say, Kisame was a very bruised shark in the next few minutes.

* * *

"Hey, Deidara," Itachi said. "Some of us are going to the pool, would you like to come?" Deidara looked confused.

"What pool?" he asked.

"You know, the public one in town," Itachi said.

"Oh. . ." Deidara looked off.

"It's on our day off,"

"Oh. . .um. . ." Deidara said slowly. "I- I have prior engagements to attend to. I really would but. . ." Deidara trailed off.

"I see," Itachi sighed.

"I mean, I could see if I could get out of it. . .but if I show up I don't really like swimming,"

"Really?"

"Uh, yah, long story," Deidara said, rubbing the back of his head.

"Oh. Ok, see if you can make it," Itachi said, walking off. He met the others at the table.

"Well?" asked Hidan.

"Deidara won't go swimming, claims to not like it, and might not even make it,"

"Definitely a girl!" Hidan cried. "She's on her period!"

"Don't jump to conclusions," Kisame said.

"That's it, I'm peeking at Deidara in the shower!"

"You can't do that!" cried Kakuzu. "Remember that rule Leader made about no raping, molesting, or peeping at other members when we found out his partner was a girl?"

"Oh yeah. . ." hidan sighed and sat back down. "Damn. What are we going to do now?"

"I have an idea," Kakuzu said smugly.

"What?" asked Kisame.

"Someone will spill something that stains on Deidara's shirt, and see what happens,"

* * *

"Oh, hey, Dei," Hidan said casually. Deidara looked up.

"Hi, Hidan," Deidara replied.

"How about I get you some dango?"

"Uh, all right," Deidara stood up from the couch, following Hidan into the kitchen. "You eat yours with soy sauce?" asked Deidara, raising an eyebrow. Hidan nodded.

"Yeah," he said, purposely spilling some on Deidara's shirt. "Oh! I'm so sorry!" Hidan cried.

"Huh?" Deidara looked down. "Riiight. I'll be right back," Deidara slipped away from the kitchen. When he returned, he had on a different shirt. Hidan smacked his forehead.

* * *

"Leader?" asked Kakuzu, stepping into the office. "Do you mind if I take a look at Deidara's Akatsuki registration form?"

"What for?" asked Pein.

"We're confused about Deidara's gender," Kakuzu replied.

"Oh. You know, I'm confused as well. Let's have a look," Opening his desk, Leader pulled out Deidara's application. Together, they stared incredulously.

"I've never seen such handwriting," Kakuzu said. "and I'm partnered with Hidan,"

"Can you make it out? I think that's a 'y', but-"

"From now on we make them check off a box," Kakuzu vowed.

"I agree," Leader said, slipping the form back in his desk.

* * *

"So, Deidara, do you sing much?" asked Kisame.

"What? Uh, no, not that often, why, un?" replied Deidara.

"Well, I was wondering if you would like to try out for Akatsuki Idol,"

"Kisame, there's ten of us, if one of us can sing they'd win, un," Deidara said logically.

"Um. . .we're holding it anyway. Why don't you try out?"

"This is stupid," Deidara sighed. "Of course I won't,"

"Are you sure? Just sing a little something!"

"Why do you want to hear me sing?"

"Because. . .I hear blonds are good singers,"

"Get. . .someone else, all right?" Deidara stormed off. Kisame sighed.

* * *

"Hey, Deidara, take a look at this!" Hidan cried, showing Deidara a picture of Haku. "Doesn't he look like a girl?"

"Sure, un," Deidara said. Hidan sat down next to Deidara on the couch.

"What if you thought he was a girl?"

"Then I'd think he was a girl, un," Deidara replied.

"How would you find out his real gender?"

"Ask him?"

"But what if you couldn't?"

"Does this have any point, un?" Deidara sighed.

"Um. . .I actually don't know this person's gender," Hidan said, indicating the picture.

"So ask," Deidara said.

"Deidara! How would you feel if someone asked you?"

"Like I wasn't acting my gender. Now if you'll excuse me, I have things to do," Deidara stood up, walking off to other parts of the hideout. Hidan sighed angrily.

"Great," he groaned.

* * *

"This is fool proof," Itachi said, clicking on the internet icon. All others were crowded around him. "Ok, we just Google Deidara's name. . .and. . ."

"Gender neutral?!" they all cried in unison. Hidan sent his fist through the screen of the computer.

* * *

"Ok, this is bound to work. Kakuzu, you stick your hand in the shower and take a picture. But don't look. Then we can look at the picture!"

"Why do I have to do it?"

"Because I already drilled a hole from your wall to the bathroom so you can stick the camera in. Ok, good luck!" Hidan pushed Kakuzu out of the room with the camera in his hand.

* * *

"All right, I saw Dei in the hall with a towel. Now, this is how you work the camera," Deidara opened the door.

"Oh, sorry Tobi, un," he said, closing the door and walking back down the hall.

"All right, you got it?" Hidan asked.

"Uh, I think. Oh, the shower's starting, it must be him," Putting a hand over his eyes, Kakuzu stuck the camera lens in the hole and clicked the button.

* * *

"Ew, I thought Deidara was a blond," Kisame said.

"I think that's Tobi. . ." Itachi said.

"Great, we got a picture of a naked Tobi. I think I'll puke," Hidan said.

"We'll just have to try again," Kisame said resolutely. "But this time, we make sure it's Deidara,"

* * *

"The plan is for Hidan to accidentally walk in on Deidara in the shower. If he can't get a good look, then we try the camera thing again," Kisame instructed. Hidan squirmed.

"Can't it be someone else?" he pleaded.

"I thought you said if Deidara was a guy you'd ask him out,"

"Um, yeah, that's kind of what I want someone else to do it for,"

"Oh well. I think Deidara's in there, go take a look," Kisame pushed Hidan out of the bedroom. Sighing, Hidan opened the door. "Oops, sorry Dei,"

"No problem!" Deidara replied. Hidan trudged back to his room.

"Where the fuck did Deidara get a shower curtain?" he complained.

"A shower curtain? I didn't know we had one of those. It's not in the picture with Tobi. . ." Kakuzu checked, just to make sure.

"So where did it come from?" asked Itachi.

"Maybe Konan put it up. . .?" Hidan suggested halfheartedly.

"I did!" Konan stuck her head in the room.

"Where did you come from?" asked Itachi.

"I heard you guys talking. I'm also curious as to Deidara's gender," she admitted. "And after Deidara accidentally walked in on Tobi yesterday, I thought the shower curtain was necessary," Konan stepped into the room. "So, how about we take this picture,"

* * *

"That's a pretty back," Kisame said. "But that towel is sort of hiding the discriminating bits,"

"Great!" cried Hidan, flopping back on the bed. "How are we ever going to tell?"

"I bet Sasori-san knows," Konan said.

"Great idea! Where is Sasori?"

"He should be around here somewhere. . ."

* * *

"Ok, Sasori, we know the only reason you aren't interested is because you already know. What gender is Deidara?" demanded Kakuzu.

"'What?" asked Sasori, looking up from his book.

"What gender is Deidara?" repeated Kakuzu.

"Why do you care?"

"Because we're curious," Itachi replied. "Don't you think it matters?"

"Not at all, but if it matters to you, I'll tell you,"

"Really?"

"I actually don't know," Sasori admitted.

"So will you help us find out?" asked Kisame.

"All right," Sasori closed the book he had been reading. "But only because I don't know,"

"Great. So what are we going to do?" asked Hidan.

"Um. . ."

* * *

"So Sasori sends in an escaped puppet to chase Deidara out of the shower?" asked Kisame.

"That's the basic idea," Sasori said, rubbing the back of his head.

"You sick perv. I know you have a camera on that puppet!" Hidan cried.

"No I don't!" replied Sasori defensively.

"Guys, do you want to know Deidara's gender or not?" said Konan. All the bickering stopped. "All right, Sasori, send in the puppet. The rest of you, look inconspicuous. I'll stay out here, to make Deidara feel more comfortable, in case Deidara is a girl. All right, places!" All of them scurried out of sight, except for Konan, who leaned nonchalantly against the wall. There was a scream from the bathroom, a few crunches, and then nothing. Konan blinked.

"I see you, Sasori-danna, un," Deidara's voice said. "Do you want me to dismantle you?"

"Uh, no, Dei, that's actually all right, thank you for catching my escaped puppet, though,"

"Would you like the splinters back?"

"Um, no, that won't be necessary,"

"Good un. Now go away," Konan frantically motioned for all the others to follow her, quietly slipping out of the building and around to the back where Sasori was waiting.

"So did you see anything?" Konan asked. Sasori shook his head.

"Deidara dropped my puppet's arm on my head, I couldn't get a clear view,"

"This is impossible!" Hidan cried, punching the wall.

"Dude, if you were bi it wouldn't matter," Kisame said.

"But I'm not!" whined Hidan.

"What are we yelling about?" asked Tobi, poking his head around the corner.

"What fucking gender is Deidara?" Hidan cried, leaping at Tobi.

"Oh, that's what this is all about? I'll be right back!" Tobi disappeared, and a few minutes later he came back with Deidara, dragging the artist by the hand.

"What did you-" Deidara was saying, but stopped once they came into view. "Tobi, what on-"

"Is Sempai a boy or a girl?" Tobi asked.

"I'm a guy, un," Deidara replied mildly. All the others nearly fainted. It had been that easy? "Oh, and if we're going to question gender, Dana's a girl, right?"

"Deidara!" Sasori screamed, rolling up his sleeves as he tried to storm over to said blond, but was restrained by Kakuzu and Kisame.

"Dana, you didn't know my gender either, so it's fair, un," Deidara stuck out his pink tongue, grinning. "Jeez, none of you knew, did you?" he asked. All shook their heads sheepishly. Deidara giggled. "So that's why my love life has been paralyzed. See ya!" he waved his hand as he left, and Hidan could've sworn the tongue waved at him.

All looked at Hidan. Even Tobi. "So ask him out," Kakuzu said.

"Um. . ." Hidan rubbed the back of his head.

"Don't tell me you're shy," Kisame teased.

"No! Just- argh, I'm leaving!" Hidan stormed off.

Hidan stormed into the kitchen, where he found Deidara, in his cloak, sitting at the table with a cup of tea. Deidara gave a slight nod as Hidan stormed past him. Suddenly, a thought struck Hidan, and he backtracked into the kitchen. "Aren't you offended?" he asked.

"About what, un?" Deidara asked.

"About nobody knowing your gender,"

"Oh," Deidara chuckled. "You were only trying to find out so as not to offend me, why should I take if offensively?"

"Uh, right. How about we go out sometime?"

"Hmm? And where would you get the money?"

"Kakuzu," Hidan replied. Deidara snorted, snaking his head and smiling.

"Right. Ok," Deidara grinned. Hidan blinked. "That's a yes, Hidan," Deidara elaborated. Hidan blinked. "A yes as in I'll go out with you," More blinks. Deidara sighed and stood up, walking over to Hidan. "Hidan?" he asked, snapping his fingers in front of Hidan's face. "Hello? You there?" Hidan suddenly lurched into action, kissing Deidara soundly on the mouth. When he pulled away, he was smiling.

"Funny, you don't kiss like a guy," he said. Deidara glared.

"You're lucky I'm bored, un," he said. Hidan chuckled. Yup, they'd make a pretty good couple.

* * *

A/N: Yes, I know that Tobi wasn't in Akatsuki while Sasori was, and all that crazy shit I messed up on. Please review and tell me what a bad sense of humor I have.


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